Here Comes the Rain

I'm sitting at my computer at 3:19am and listening to the rain coming down. My almost 3 yr old is sound asleep after a bought with a nightmare a few hours ago and my husband sleeping (although probably restlessly). This should be a very joyous time in my life with a 2nd baby girl due to arrive in just 17 weeks. However, I sit here... all cried out and not knowing what lies ahead.

I loved my job... up until 12 hours ago, when I was told that my position no longer existed and I became the casualty of a Mass Layoff. "No big deal", you say? Sure, for someone who can just run out and find another job. But really... who is going to hire someone that walks into the interview 5 months pregnant. Sure, I got severance of 9 weeks. But that is only going to get me to just under 2 months of my due date. If we cut corners, maybe I can get it out further... Maybe if I pull my daughter from her beloved preschool... Maybe if we sell some stuff around the house... Maybe if we just stop the construction going on around the house and leave our house as a construction site for the next 10 months until I'm capable of finding work... Maybe if...

All this is running through my mind and my over exhausted body is begging for sleep, yet my mind is racing. That is the reason why I finally decided to start "My Blog" that I created so long ago. It's funny how some things get you moving... I just wish I knew the answer to this huge problem. How are we going to make ends meet?

It's not fair to the preschooler who loves her school and classmates and has to be cut down to just 2 half days a week. Hardly a quarter of the time she used to spend there. And what about her tumbling class, that she talks all week about, that she will have to give up. Will she ever understand why this has been taken away from her and shortly after be devastated with a baby sister that will take most of Mommy and Daddy's attention away from her?

I just have to ask myself... could this have happened at a worse time? I'm sure there are worse things out there, but this total feeling of helplessness and hopelessness is too much for me to bare right now to even consider what else could go wrong.

I've prayed more in the past 12 hours than I have before and yet, I still don't feel the comfort that everything will be OK, even though I know this is all in God's great plan. He has something better for me. But it is these trials that he really uses to test us and make us stronger human beings... I learned this recently in my newly found Care Group, but at the time, I was praising and thanking God for blessing my life so abundantly at the time. I know he must think I'm strong enough to move forward, but I just don't know where to find the strength and courage to do so... I guess I'll go to bed now and attempt to get a few hours of sleep before daylight tortures me with the reality of applying for Unemployment and updating, or should I say, creating, my resume in hopes that I can find a 3 month contracting position, or maybe find a job that can overlook the fact that I will be out for so long. Only God knows...