12 hours ago I was overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness and feeling like a failure... I do still feel that... but...
Now, I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the support and love and prayers I have received since getting up this morning.
It's been an interesting day to say the least. This morning was very tough when I dropped of Delaney at school and she clung to me for dear life. She never does that. She usually runs off and hardly says good-bye to me, but she could feel something wasn't right. It was so hard to leave her like that knowing that I didn't "need" to, but really... I did! I needed today to get my own barrings.
I spent the early part of this afternoon shamelessly curled up on the living room floor sobbing uncontrollably. I've been fighting back the tears, trying to be strong... but I really just needed to get it out and I needed to do it alone. It suddenly seems easier to talk about it without crying uncontrollably. Although the tears are still coming, they're not as bad as before.
I've been living my life 5, 10, 20 yrs in advance for so long and suddenly I have to live day to day and not sure how to do it.
One step at a time... and many of your prayers. I know that everything will be fine in the end. I know one day I'm going to look back at this and Thank God for the blessing of slamming the door behind me to discover all the doors he has had open for me for so long that I just didn't notice until I had no other option.
Sure, I'm still feeling pretty worthless and mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted... but I'm trying to remember the good things that have already come... we've decided to leave Delaney in school 3 days part-time in school through March so I can focus on what to do and not disturb her routine too much. I'm going to get to spend 2 days a week alone with her before the baby comes. I would never have had that opportunity if this hadn't happened. Or at least, that's what I keep trying to remind myself about to make myself really see the good side.
It'd be nice to find something to help with the finances... but if not... there IS something good on the other side.
Now if I can just remember that!
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Here Comes the Rain
I'm sitting at my computer at 3:19am and listening to the rain coming down. My almost 3 yr old is sound asleep after a bought with a nightmare a few hours ago and my husband sleeping (although probably restlessly). This should be a very joyous time in my life with a 2nd baby girl due to arrive in just 17 weeks. However, I sit here... all cried out and not knowing what lies ahead.
I loved my job... up until 12 hours ago, when I was told that my position no longer existed and I became the casualty of a Mass Layoff. "No big deal", you say? Sure, for someone who can just run out and find another job. But really... who is going to hire someone that walks into the interview 5 months pregnant. Sure, I got severance of 9 weeks. But that is only going to get me to just under 2 months of my due date. If we cut corners, maybe I can get it out further... Maybe if I pull my daughter from her beloved preschool... Maybe if we sell some stuff around the house... Maybe if we just stop the construction going on around the house and leave our house as a construction site for the next 10 months until I'm capable of finding work... Maybe if...
All this is running through my mind and my over exhausted body is begging for sleep, yet my mind is racing. That is the reason why I finally decided to start "My Blog" that I created so long ago. It's funny how some things get you moving... I just wish I knew the answer to this huge problem. How are we going to make ends meet?
It's not fair to the preschooler who loves her school and classmates and has to be cut down to just 2 half days a week. Hardly a quarter of the time she used to spend there. And what about her tumbling class, that she talks all week about, that she will have to give up. Will she ever understand why this has been taken away from her and shortly after be devastated with a baby sister that will take most of Mommy and Daddy's attention away from her?
I just have to ask myself... could this have happened at a worse time? I'm sure there are worse things out there, but this total feeling of helplessness and hopelessness is too much for me to bare right now to even consider what else could go wrong.
I've prayed more in the past 12 hours than I have before and yet, I still don't feel the comfort that everything will be OK, even though I know this is all in God's great plan. He has something better for me. But it is these trials that he really uses to test us and make us stronger human beings... I learned this recently in my newly found Care Group, but at the time, I was praising and thanking God for blessing my life so abundantly at the time. I know he must think I'm strong enough to move forward, but I just don't know where to find the strength and courage to do so... I guess I'll go to bed now and attempt to get a few hours of sleep before daylight tortures me with the reality of applying for Unemployment and updating, or should I say, creating, my resume in hopes that I can find a 3 month contracting position, or maybe find a job that can overlook the fact that I will be out for so long. Only God knows...
I loved my job... up until 12 hours ago, when I was told that my position no longer existed and I became the casualty of a Mass Layoff. "No big deal", you say? Sure, for someone who can just run out and find another job. But really... who is going to hire someone that walks into the interview 5 months pregnant. Sure, I got severance of 9 weeks. But that is only going to get me to just under 2 months of my due date. If we cut corners, maybe I can get it out further... Maybe if I pull my daughter from her beloved preschool... Maybe if we sell some stuff around the house... Maybe if we just stop the construction going on around the house and leave our house as a construction site for the next 10 months until I'm capable of finding work... Maybe if...
All this is running through my mind and my over exhausted body is begging for sleep, yet my mind is racing. That is the reason why I finally decided to start "My Blog" that I created so long ago. It's funny how some things get you moving... I just wish I knew the answer to this huge problem. How are we going to make ends meet?
It's not fair to the preschooler who loves her school and classmates and has to be cut down to just 2 half days a week. Hardly a quarter of the time she used to spend there. And what about her tumbling class, that she talks all week about, that she will have to give up. Will she ever understand why this has been taken away from her and shortly after be devastated with a baby sister that will take most of Mommy and Daddy's attention away from her?
I just have to ask myself... could this have happened at a worse time? I'm sure there are worse things out there, but this total feeling of helplessness and hopelessness is too much for me to bare right now to even consider what else could go wrong.
I've prayed more in the past 12 hours than I have before and yet, I still don't feel the comfort that everything will be OK, even though I know this is all in God's great plan. He has something better for me. But it is these trials that he really uses to test us and make us stronger human beings... I learned this recently in my newly found Care Group, but at the time, I was praising and thanking God for blessing my life so abundantly at the time. I know he must think I'm strong enough to move forward, but I just don't know where to find the strength and courage to do so... I guess I'll go to bed now and attempt to get a few hours of sleep before daylight tortures me with the reality of applying for Unemployment and updating, or should I say, creating, my resume in hopes that I can find a 3 month contracting position, or maybe find a job that can overlook the fact that I will be out for so long. Only God knows...
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